


All The Little Lights

by Justdothat



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, Boarding School AU, Eating Disorder, Established Relationship, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-02
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-04-17 07:05:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14183553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justdothat/pseuds/Justdothat
Summary: Trixie stared in the mirror & sighed, running her hands down her thighs to smooth her uniform skirt.She pressed her fingers into the soft skin that pillowed over slightly at the waist of the skirt, frowning & turning to look at herself side on. While she didn't mind being bigger chested, she hated the softness of her stomach & loathed the pale pink stretch marks that decorated her rounded thighs.Katya crept up behind her, already fully dressed in a very crumpled approximation of what their school uniform was supposed to look like, standing on her toes to prop her chin on Trixie's shoulder.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter is pretty light! Obviously the subject matter is sensitive though, so proceed with caution.

Trixie stared in the mirror & sighed, running her hands down her thighs to smooth her uniform skirt. She pressed her fingers into the soft skin that pillowed over slightly at the waist of the skirt, frowning & turning to look at herself side on. While she didn’t mind being bigger chested, she hated the softness of her stomach & loathed the pale pink stretch marks that decorated her rounded thighs. Katya crept up behind her, already fully dressed in a very crumpled approximation of what their school uniform was supposed to look like, standing on her toes to prop her chin on Trixie’s shoulder. 

“Morning!” She chirped into Trixie’s ear, eliciting an eye roll from the taller blonde.

“How are you like this at 7.30 in the morning?”

 Katya responded by throwing her arms around her waist, & burying her face under Trixie’s long blonde curls, humming against her neck before suddenly licking a stripe up from her shoulder.

 “God, gross! You’re literally so annoying”

 Katya laughed as Trixie pushed her away, bending down to pick up the books she needed for her classes that day. There was nothing rounded or soft about Katya, Trixie thought with annoyance, watching as her girlfriend’s skirt rode up while she gathered her books. She envied her skinny legs & the way her socks always rode down her calves, making her look, in Trixie’s opinion, adorably disheveled.

 “Where were you this morning anyway?”

 “I woke up early so I went down & had breakfast already”

 “You couldn’t have waited for me?” Trixie whined, buttoning up her shirt buttons and reaching for her tie from where it was slung across the back of her desk chair.

 “You’re too slow Mama! I have many places to be & people to see this morning”

 “Fuck off, you just wanted to get in an extra smoke before class”

 “Yes I did! Can I have a small kiss before I get smoker’s breath & you decide you hate my mouth again?”

 

…

 

Trixie wandered down to the dining hall by herself ten minutes later, having had to significantly re-fix her make up after Katya’s “small kiss” had ruined her lipstick as usual. She spotted Fame & Pearl at their table in the corner, and after filling up her tray with peanut butter toast and a banana, she slid in next to Pearl on the bench. She began to cut up her banana, pushing the yellow circles into the melting spread.

 “Jesus Tracy, is there even any bread under there?”

 Pearl smirked into her coffee, eying the slathered toast with amusement. Trixie fixed her with a glare, before picking the banana back off to scrape the excess peanut butter off onto her plate.

 “Happy now?”

 “What? Why’d you do that, I was kidding!”

 “Well I’m not in the mood this morning”

 “You’re in some kind of mood this morning”

 “Lovers tiff?” Fame chimed in.

Trixie swapped her glare from Pearl to Fame.

 “No.”

 “So what’s the matter?”

 Trixie weighed up her options. On the one hand, venting her frustrations out on her well meaning friends was making her feel vaguely better, in a self indulgent, bratty kind of way. On the other, she wanted to have a proper whinge. The opportunity for whinging won.

“I've just... I know I've put on weight this year. And I'm not loving it this morning."

"You haven't!"

"It's not a fishing for compliments thing, you don't have to lie to make me feel better. I have. Which is.. fine. From an objective point of view. But it's making me feel shit and it doesn’t help that Katya’s body is literally perfect & like 2% body fat”

 The other two girls exchanged a loaded glance across the table.

“What? Why did you guys look at each other like that?”

 Fame was now giving Trixie her best “concerned mother” look.

 “It’s just… I don’t really think Katya’s the best person to be comparing yourself to on this one. Like there’s no need to compare yourself to anyone, but especially not Katya”

 “Why specifically not Katya?”

 “Well she doesn’t… it’s ah… well. I don’t think Katya has the best relationship with food”

Trixie looked at her, dumbfounded.

 “What do you mean?”

 “Trixie, how often does she actually come to a meal in here? She skips dinner all the time”

 “She was in here having breakfast this morning, she just came down early!”

 “Did you actually see her eat breakfast?”

 The pity in the other girls’ faces was far too evident for Trixie’s liking.

 “Well Violet’s not here either!”

 “And that’s a case in fucking point.” Pearl muttered, spearing a grape on her fork with animosity.

 “Trixie, I’m not saying this to be gossipy, or talk about her behind her back. I’m genuinely concerned, because I hardly ever see her eat anything & yes she’s always been pretty small but do you not think she’s looking really thin recently?” 

“I would know if she had a problem!”

 “I’m not saying whether she has a problem or not, but I just think we should... keep an eye on her? You know her best Trixie, if you think she’s OK then I trust your judgement but I just worry about her is all”

 Trixie felt like her heart was about to beat out of her chest. Katya was fine! Surely Katya was fine. She would’ve noticed if something was going on. Fame and Pearl were being paranoid, Katya was just flaky, she wasn’t avoiding the dining hall on purpose. She racked her brain, trying to think of the last time she’d seen Katya eat. Or had noticed Katya not eat. If something was wrong, she would’ve been the first person to notice it, surely. She had noticed she'd lost a bit of weight but hadn't thought much of it, other than feeling a tiny pang of jealousy if she was completely honest.

 

…

 

Trixie excused herself quickly, making her way out of the hall & down the corridor towards the fire escape where Katya and Pearl often hid to sneak their smoke breaks. Katya jumped as she opened the door, stuffing her half smoked cigarette behind her back instinctively.

 “Jesus Tracy, I thought you were Visage!”

 “I feel like I should be offended”

 Her reply didn’t quite have the bite of their usual banter & she hoped Katya hadn’t noticed. Katya brought her cigarette back out & leant back against the railing. Her non-smoking hand was burrowed up in the long sleeve of her jumper, only her thumb flicking out to fiddle with a loose thread. She wasn’t wearing make up today, but the smudgy remnants of her eyeliner from the day before still lined her eyes. She did look tired, but, Trixie rationalized, it was still first thing in the morning.

 “To what do I owe the pleasure? Normally you hate hanging out with me when I smoke”

 “No reason! I just… wanted to see you” Trixie finished lamely, unable to come up with an excuse for her uncharacteristic behavior fast enough. Katya was now looking at her with concern.

 “Are you ok, Trix?”

  _Are you ok?_

 “Yeah I just… I’m just in a mood this morning”

 “Oh… ok?”

 Katya offered her her free hand and the two leant against the railing in silence for a minute, Trixie rubbing and warming up Katya’s cold fingers. She took a final drag on her cigarette, flicking the butt into one of the hedges below & pulling a pack of strawberry gum from her pocket. She offered Trixie a stick, holding the candy up to her glossed lips until she opened them to let it in. Katya stood on her toes to press a quick peck into her lips to follow the gum & Trixie pulled her in closer, enveloping her in a tight hug. She could feel the hard bones of Katya’s shoulder blades against her forearms & now she couldn’t remember if she’d always been able to.

 

…

 

**T: Where are you?? x**

**K: Stuck in the art room! I have to finish so much stuff this week :(**

**T: Want me to come & bring you lunch?? Xx**

**K: No, it’s ok! I already grabbed some. Thank you though!**

 

**T: Are you sure?? I miss youu x**

_Seen 12:36pm_

…

 

Trixie was well past the line of feeling like a shit girlfriend by the time she saw Katya again at the end of the school day. She found her once again in the art room, as she’d been at lunch, totally immersed in her painting. Trixie leant on the doorway, watching as Katya painted. Her long blond hair was pulled back into a messy ponytail, but she’d somehow managed to get streaks of blue paint in it anyway. She was hunched fully over her work, her face comically close to the paper as she focused on her tiny brushstrokes. Under her brush, a brightly colored bird appeared to be melting, feathers oozing off of protruding skeletal wings. It occurred to Trixie how weird it was to see Katya this still.

 “Hey”

 She’d tried to speak as softly as possible, feeling slightly like she was waking a sleepwalker, but Katya started anyway.

 “Fuck, I didn’t make you mess up did I?!”

 “No no, you’re all good! My brush was up anyway”

 She dropped her paintbrush into the water mug & hopped down off her stool, padding over to wrap her arms around Trixie’s waist, careful to keep her paint stained hands away from her uniform.

 “How was your day Mama? Feeling better since this morning?”

 “Yeah it was fine, just boring. I hate that we hardly take any of the same subjects anymore”

 “Feel like dropping Music to come do French class with me?”

 “As if I would ever. I don’t need a class to french you”

 “Gross, that was a bad one Tracy!”

 “Fuck you, I’m funny”

 Katya was laughing anyway.

 “Can I see your painting?”

 “Yeah, it’s very half done though”

 Trixie walked over to the desk to get a closer look at the bird. It’s head and body were covered in glossy feathers, so detailed it would’ve looked photographic were it not for the surreal bony wings. The back wing was still only pencil sketched, but the front one had obviously been Katya’s focus for the day, half under painted & half finished.

 “Katya, it’s so good”

 Katya blushed & pulled her fingers through the end of her ponytail, streaking it with more blue and red as she fiddled the strands between her fingers.

 “So so good babe, seriously. Also you’re getting so much paint in your hair”

 She looked down at the mess in her ponytail & laughed.

 "Oh fuck, yeah that’s a great look”

“Do you want to wash your hands & come down to dinner?”

“I should really stay & finish this”

The air with which she said it sounded relaxed but Trixie could feel the change in atmosphere as Katya chewed at her lip.

“You’re not going to finish that tonight Kat, that’s going to take hours!”

“I just need to finish off the first wing! It’s acrylics, it’ll dry if I leave it & then the blending will be all wrong if I leave it half done.”

“Katya.”

“What?! Stop looking at me like that”

“Please take a break. Come down to dinner with me, please?”

“I’m not even hungry! I just want to finish off the wing”

They stared each other down across the short distance, green eyes meeting brown. Trixie could see the corners of Katya’s mouth were tense with annoyance, her eyes narrowed & challenging. She could feel her own eyes prickling, threatening to well up.

“Katya-“

“Just let me finish my work!”

“Can I at least bring you dinner up here?”

“Do you know what? You’re being so fucking clingy today, Trixie. Can you just actually fuck off”

The harshness in her voice seemed to come out of nowhere. Trixie looked as though Katya had slapped her, as she spun on her heel and left the room without another word, determined not to wipe the tears from her cheeks until she was out of sight so Katya wouldn’t see she was crying.

 

…

 

As soon as the door slammed behind her girlfriend, Katya sank to the floor of the art room. She had a tight, pinching headache, her hands were shaking and the image of Trixie’s hurt face was burnt into her retinas. An embarrassing sob escaped as the guilt settled over her. Trixie had been nothing but caring & she’d told her to fuck off, made sure to hit her where it hurt while she was at it. 

She pulled her knees into her chest & cried.

 

…

 

When Katya finally built up the courage to go back to their room, it was well after lights out. She prayed Trixie had covered for her with Miss Visage during checks but she wouldn’t blame her if she had dumped her in it. Opening the door, she half hoped Trixie would already be asleep & she could avoid having to face the awkwardness between them until the morning. No such luck. Trixie was lying in bed in the dark, her red-rimmed eyes trained on the door and visible in the crack of light following her girlfriend in from the hallway. She saw Katya & immediately rolled over to face the wall.

“Trixie?”

Her whisper got no response.

“I’m so sorry Trix”

Nothing. She quickly took her uniform off & slipped into her pajamas and her own bed, relegating showering and brushing her teeth into the “too hard basket”, to be dealt with the next morning. The two girls lay on their backs in their respective beds, a weighted silence omnipresent in the room.

Katya rolled back to face Trixie across the distance between their beds, the rustle of her duvet suddenly seeming uncomfortably loud in the heavy silence. Trixie stayed staring at the ceiling, resolutely refusing to look in Katya’s direction.

“I didn’t mean it”

Katya could feel her voice threatening to crack through the whisper.

“Trixie?”

Still no response.

She rolled back over to face the wall as she broke, pinching her nose to stifle the tell-tale sniffs & pressing her face as hard as she could into her pillow.

 

…

 

The next morning, Trixie woke up to find the bed opposite hers empty. She was relieved she didn’t have to face Katya just yet, the tension of their fight definitely still lingering in the air. She didn’t know how to resolve it. Last night, all she’d wanted to do was crawl into Katya’s bed and ask if she was alright, but she felt paralyzed by her reticence at hearing the answer. Katya quite clearly wasn’t alright. And Trixie hadn’t seen it. She was supposed to be her closest friend, her girlfriend, and she had been blindly oblivious. Had needed it pointed out to her like an idiot. Had been borderline  _admiring_ the problem.

She didn’t know what she dreaded hearing more; a lie that she was fine, some story that forced Trixie to keep questioning if her suspicions were paranoia planted by Fame’s interference, or the truth that she wasn’t, ending the mindfuck but confirming the worst. And if she did admit it? Trixie had no idea what to do about it. She didn’t know where to even start. The illusion they were fighting over a minor spat was easier to deal with than the can of worms the question she needed to end it would open. So she lay there & did nothing. Pretended she couldn’t hear Katya crying into her pillow.

She felt like a terrible person. She was a terrible person. She couldn’t force the question out, had let Katya cry herself to sleep thinking Trixie was mad over her snapping at her in the art room. And she was mad, a little. Katya’s outburst had come out of nowhere, had been out of character and undeserved. It had dug Trixie’s old insecurities up out of their pit, that she was _unwanted, too much, too self-absorbed_ , all the things that Katya had never made her feel before. She’d sunk right back into the feelings she’d been working not to dwell on & wallow in since she left her family home, started boarding. She felt like a wall had been built between them, bricks of her own insecurities that Katya had coldly mortared together. Rationally, she knew it was in her head, that it had been a spur of the moment lash out not a personal attack. But she was stuck in her head & didn’t want to face why Katya had lashed out in the first place; so she’d lain there & let Katya hurt and she absolutely hated herself for it.

…

 

Katya had not, in fact, cried herself to sleep, because she hadn’t been to sleep at all. She’d given up trying after an hour and a half of lying in the dark, her upset turning to boredom & frustration as it crept past 3am to 4. She needed to get out. She needed to go for a run, something, anything, to get rid of the itch of her insomnia.

She’d crept down to the school field, had run lap after lap until she could taste the iron rising in her throat, her bare feet coated in mud and freezing despite the exercise. She ran until she felt like her ribcage was shrinking, compressing her organs like a recycling plant & reshaping them into new ones, until her calves were screaming and her lips were numb from the wind. Then she lay in the grass, not caring that her pyjamas were caking with mud and her own rapidly cooling sweat, until she couldn’t stand the shivering anymore & had gone inside to get to the showers before anyone woke up and saw how much of a mess she was.

 

…

 

Katya didn’t show up to English second period, which was the only class she & Trixie shared that day. Trixie felt the guilty swirl in her gut twist with anxiety as she stared at Katya’s empty desk. She pulled her phone out of her pocket, typing out a text to Violet under the table:

 

**T: Was Katya in French this morning? x**

 

**V: Nope. Are you going to rat your own girlfriend out for truancy? That is next level goody two shoes**

She didn’t feel like engaging in Violet’s banter & left the message on read. The dots flickered on her screen, then disappeared. Then:

**V: Do you actually not know where she is?**

**T: Do you know where she is?**

**V: No, but I just assumed you would, you always do. Is something weird going on with her?**

**T: No, it’s fine. She’s probably just wagging with her smoker friends or something.**

**V: Well Pearl is in History with me, so no to that theory. Why are you messaging me? Just text Katya & ask where she is?**

**T: We had a f…** *delete delete delete* 

She really didn’t feel like answering the inevitable follow up questions Violet would have if she mentioned their fight, so instead she stuffed her phone back into her pocket & tried her hardest to quell the sick feeling in her stomach.

 

…

 

By lunch there was still no sign of Katya.

 

 


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> T: Hey, I know we’re not talking but can you let me know you’re ok? x

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for your wonderful feedback on the first chapter! It was so lovely to read all your comments!

2:13pm.

 

**T: Hey, I know we’re not talking but can you let me know you’re ok? x**

2:33pm. It was Trixie’s last class of the day. Her notes from the lesson consisted of a whole page of absolutely nothing, bordered by stress doodles. She heard her phone vibrate in her pocket & lost all subtlety in her haste to pull it out. The screen was blank in her hands: no new messages. It must’ve been someone else’s. She typed out another message to Katya.

**T: Where are you? x**

2:45pm. She felt like her class would never finish. Every time someone pulled their chair out, every time the wind scraped a branch against the window, she was hearing her phone buzz. She could swear she was feeling a vibration in her pocket, but each time she scrambled to check, it was blank. The laughing Katya and Trixie on her lock screen were mocking her.

**T: Katya, please reply**

Trixie practically ran out of her music lesson when the bell rang, feeling dizzy with anxiety and checking her phone like it was a newly developed tick. She dithered over where to check first, listing in her head all the places Katya liked to hide out, repeating it like a mantra; as if doing so could summon Katya to one of her haunts. The dining hall was where she should be in terms of the school schedule but Trixie felt that was unlikely. The fire escape, the art room or their dorm room seemed more promising.

The fire escape was empty.

The art room was likewise. Or rather, empty in terms of Katya. A few other art students were silently working on their own projects, and Trixie could see Katya’s painting from yesterday laid out on the drying rack. It was fully realised now, the bird’s melting wings bright with paint. The paint looked dry, though Trixie wasn’t about to touch it and risk ruining Katya’s work to check. She must’ve stayed back for hours after Trixie had left the night before finishing it.

“Is Katya off sick today?”

The question came from behind her & though it was softly spoken, it still made Trixie jump in the normally silent studio. She turned to face the speaker, one of Katya’s friends Sasha, who Trixie had always secretly found very intimidating, with her heavy brows and intense stare. She stuttered over her reply, choosing the path of least resistance.

 “Um. Yes she is”

Sasha was carrying her own art project, some kind of abstract sculpture, covered in wet drips of paint & entwined in what looked to be braids of hair, side stepping Trixie to place it on the rack behind Katya’s. Trixie squinted to get a closer look.

“Sasha, is that _your_ hair?!” 

Sasha grinned & flipped the side of her long red hair over to reveal a closely buzzed undercut.

 “Yep! I tried cutting up wigs and stuff but it just wasn’t looking right, so I shaved it last night.”

Trixie’s jaw was hanging open unabashedly. She kind of admired Sasha’s commitment to her fucking weird art, even if she didn’t really get the piece itself. No wonder Katya got along with this girl.

 

…

 

The last place she had on her short list to check was their dorm room. She pushed open the door with baited breath, dreading facing another empty room. But there was Katya, curled up in her bed fast asleep, her long hair slightly damp against her pillow. Trixie felt the breath she didn’t realise she’d been holding release.

She sat on her own bed with her head in her hands, digging her fingertips into her temples in an attempt to relieve the tension that had been building there all day. Katya’s face was peaceful, her jaw slack & mouth slightly open. In contrast, the circles under her eyes were bruised deep purple & Trixie could see the green of her veins through the pale skin at her temples. She wanted so badly to cradle her up & never let her hurt again.

Trixie risked ruining her eye makeup to rub at her own tired eyes, pressing her lids closed as she focused on breathing deeply, trying to calm the worry that had yet to dissipate from trying to find Katya. When she looked back up, Katya had cracked one green eye open. Their eyes locked, then Trixie was crumbling. Katya lifted the duvet, shuffling back against the wall to make space for her, which Trixie quickly filled, pulling Katya as close to her as she physically could. She felt Katya’s fingers dig into her, holding her back just as tightly.

“Kat..”

She whispered, breathing in the floral scent of Katya’s shampoo as she built herself up to ask the question she dreaded hearing the answer to. Katya beat her to speaking.

“Trix, I’m so sorry. I was a bitch to you yesterday”

“No! You weren’t!”

The reply was instinctive more than it was honest. Trixie was still trying to think how to broach her deeper concerns. Katya pulled back to look at her skeptically, uncurling her arm from around Trixie’s back to clasp her hand instead, squashing their arms between them in the close space.

“I definitely was. You weren’t being clingy, you were being kind & I was a cunt” 

“Ok yeah, kind of”

“Fully. I was fully a cunt. You didn’t deserve it. Do you forgive me?”

“You’re forgiven… cunt”

Katya’s shit eating grin was back at that, as she laughed and burrowed her head against Trixie’s shoulder, pressing a kiss to the end of her collarbone. They lay there for a minute, relishing the release of the tension in the room. Trixie couldn’t let herself relax fully though, her mind still buzzing with unasked & unanswered questions. 

“Kat”

She took a deep breath and continued.

“You didn’t go to any classes today..”

 Katya kept her head buried in Trixie’s hair, responding with a non-committal hmpfh.

 “Did you not go because we had a fight?”

Katya gave another half response, shrugging her shoulders and curling herself in closer to Trixie.

 “That’s not.. I.. Katya, that’s kind of dramatic, don’t you think?”

 “I am dramatic, _Brenda_ ”

 She muttered into her chest, & Trixie could hear the grin in her voice.

 “Were you in here sleeping all day?”

 “Where were you between the hours of 10 & 2!? I was in here sleeping but I don’t have an alibi! But I didn’t kill that boy, Charlene, I swear I didn’t!”

 “Katya, I’m being serious”

 Katya sighed & relented.

 “I know you are. I didn’t sleep much last night, so I went to Visage, faked sick & got a pass”

 “Have you eaten anything today?”

 The question was out before she could stop it, and she mentally kicked herself as she felt Katya stiffen at her side.

 “You’re really into your twenty questions today Trixie. I had breakfast”

 “It’s nearly four in the afternoon, have you not had anything since then?”

 “I’ve been asleep! I literally just woke up” 

Trixie mentally debated whether Katya would tolerate her pushing the topic further & decided she probably wouldn’t. She could feel the tension creeping back into the room as Katya pulled away from her, now seemingly engrossed with tugging at a hangnail on her thumb. She decided to derail from the eating topic & steer towards safer territory.

“I just missed you today, that’s all. I was worried about you”

Katya looked back up from her hangnail, her fingers still pulling & reddening the skin of her thumb. She bit it between her teeth, finally releasing it with a hiss as it pulled away too deep. She seemed unsure how to respond & couldn’t quite meet Trixie’s eye.

“Don’t be worried about me?”

 Her tone was questioning, a plea more than a statement. Trixie felt her heart break a little. She leaned over to kiss her forehead, thumbing the soft skin under Katya’s eyes that still wouldn’t meet her own searching gaze.

“I can’t help it”

Katya re-clasped her hand & squeezed it.

“There’s nothing to worry about”

_I don’t believe you._


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s demonic possession”
> 
> “Fuck off, you can’t get possessed when you are the demon”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it starts off fluffy but definitely a big trigger warning for ED in this chapter.

Katya, despite spending the whole day in bed, had somehow drifted back to sleep. Trixie hadn’t followed her. The late afternoon sun was still creeping through the open curtains, casting long shadows off the clutter on their shared dresser. Katya’s face was pressed into her chest, her arms tucked up close between their bodies, her body heat making Trixie sweat in the already warm room. Trixie ran a hand through Katya’s now dried hair, pushing it back from where it was falling across her face and gently working on easing out the knots at the end. She smiled as she felt Katya stir from her nap and hum happily against her sternum; her mind peacefully and intentionally blank as she focused on her hair and the faint smell of her soap.

Katya stretched her legs under the duvet, making her toes click as she wriggled them to wake them up. She yawned and grinned up at Trixie, practically purring at the fingers combing through her hair. Trixie grinned back at her, smug.

“Good morning Linda”

“That’s Sleeping Beauty to you, cunt”

The retort was vaguely husky with sleep, only adding to the irony of the Disney princess comparison.

“I wasn’t aware Sleeping Beauty drooled so much”

“I do not! I would never! This is slander! I will not stand for this uncalled for attack on my character!”

She punctuated each sentence with a smack to Trixie’s chest, Trixie trying in vain to bat her hands away with the arm that wasn’t still trapped under Katya.

“Oh my god, why. You’re so loud and so close to my ear”

“Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s demonic possession”

Katya winked, popping her tongue & letting it loll moronically as she pushed herself up to sitting, settling with her back leaning against the wall.  

“Fuck off, you can’t get possessed when you _are_ the demon”

Katya managed her feigned indignation for almost 3 seconds, before she corpsed, breaking into a cackle.

“That! That is the true tea, Mama. I’m so happy you get me”

Trixie rolled onto her back & stretched out her arms above her head, wincing at the pins & needles as her right arm got used to its returned circulation. She could feel the fabric of her shirt ride up around her middle, & she didn’t miss Katya eyeing her exposed midriff.  She tugged it back down self-consciously. Katya raised an eyebrow.

“What?”

Trixie felt like she could feel the judgement radiating off her, disgust at the softness of her stomach. She pulled the duvet back up over herself. Katya frowned.

“Excuse you, I was actually enjoying that view”

Trixie could feel herself going red, biting down the urge to turn down the compliment but unable to accept it when she felt like it was realistically coming from a place of pity. She went with the option of hiding her face under the duvet too. Said duvet briskly disappeared into thin air as Katya chucked it off the bed, onto the floor.

“Nope!”

“Nope, what Katya?”

“Nope, stop doing that!”

“What am I doing?”

“Trixie. I like what you look like. I like you! Sometimes you act like I’m being mean to you when I say it”

Trixie knew her face was flushing even redder, & was still too stuck in her embarrassment to think of a good response. She covered her blushing face with her hands.

“I’m sorry” she muttered.

“Don’t be sorry. I just… I want you to know I’m serious. I’m not, like, making fun of you or trying to make you uncomfortable or something”

She rocked forward onto her knees, leaning over to slowly roll Trixie’s shirt back up & re-expose the sliver of skin. She bent down and pecked it affectionately, before patting her shirt back into place.

Trixie tugged her up gently so that their lips met, soft & slow, trying to express the “thank you” she couldn’t work out how to say out loud. Katya swung a bony knee over, so that her body hovered above Trixie’s thighs, her long hair curtaining both of their faces. Trixie let herself be lost in the moment for now, ensconced in the warm, safe cocoon of Katya’s hair, her hot breath against her lips & her fingers rubbing the tension out of her temples.

...

They were interrupted by a sharp rap at the door.

 “Katya?”

Katya was off her like shot, as Trixie scrambled to get out of her bed. Katya yanked the duvet up off the floor & burrowed underneath, trying to pull her best “I’m sick” face, as Trixie opened the door for Miss Visage.

“Hello Beatrice. I just came by to check if you were feeling better Katya”

As Trixie wrinkled her nose at the use of her full name, Visage crossed to Katya’s bed, pressing the back of her hand to Katya’s forehead. Her eyes narrowed, studying Katya with concern.

“I’m feeling much better, thank you”

“You’re quite warm & you still look very pale. I was worried when you were brought in this morning, I’ll be honest”

Trixie’s eyes widened with surprise & she mouthed at Katya from behind their teacher “brought in??”. Katya gave her a tiny frown, & shook her head almost imperceptibly. 

“I’m wondering whether we send you to the off campus Doctor. I know Nurse Dela gave you a look over this morning & thought it was just a spell of low blood pressure but I just think..”

“Miss, I feel fine now! It was nothing this morning, honestly, I don’t need to go to the Doctor” Katya cut her off.

“Are you sure Katya? Because fainting in the showers isn’t nothing”

“You fainted?!” Trixie couldn’t stifle her interruption this time. Katya groaned & rolled onto her back, pulling her pillow over her face.

“It’s not a big deal! Like Nurse Dela said, it was probably just a combination of the heat, the steam & being over tired. I’m fine now!”

“Katya!”

“I’m fine! I just over did it, now I’ve had the day off & caught up on some sleep, I’m all good. I don’t need to go”

Trixie was still staring at her, dumbfounded.

“If you’re sure Katya. In any case though, I don’t want you back in class tomorrow either & I’ll talk to your teachers about getting you an extension on your assignments. I’d rather you were safe than sorry”

“I’m very sure. Thank you though, Miss Visage”

“Beatrice, can you bring her dinner up here for her? I’ll write you a note for the dining staff to let them know”

Trixie nodded, still reeling at the fact Katya hadn’t told her what had happened. Miss Visage took a small notebook from the inside of her jacket & scrawled out a quick message.

“Come & get me if you need anything, if you start to feel sick again Katya. I’m just down the hallway”

She handed Trixie the permission slip, throwing another concerned glance at Katya as she left the room. As soon as the door closed, Trixie rounded on her roommate.  

“Why didn’t you tell me you fainted?”

“Because it’s embarrassing Trixie” Katya muttered, her face still half obscured by the pillow.

“It’s not embarrassing!”

“Trust me. It was pretty embarrassing. In case you missed it, I fainted in the _shower_ ”

“So? You told me you faked sick today, Katya”

Katya sat up.

“So the head girl found me, fully butt naked, lying on the bathroom floor like a drowned rat. Not my finest moment”

“Thank god Alaska found you! You literally told me I had nothing to worry about!”

“And you don’t! It’s not a big deal!”

“It sounds like a pretty big deal!”

“I didn’t want you to freak out about it!”

“Of course I’m freaking out about it! What if you’d hit your head & no one had found you!”

“But I didn’t! I’m fine!”

Trixie fought back the tears of frustration, working to keep her voice calm. It came out harsh & flat.

“Katya, stop lying to me”

“I’m not lying to you!”

Katya was clearly building up to have a full blown argument & Trixie knew once she got there, she would just stick even more stubbornly to her guns. She softened her tone, reaching out to grab Katya’s wrist. Katya pulled away.

“You told me you faked sick. You didn’t fake sick, you literally passed out this morning. That’s a lie, Kat. Please just tell me what’s going on" 

“There’s nothing going on!”

“Katya”

She met Trixie’s eyes & visibly deflated, letting Trixie grasp her hand as she dropped the defiance from her voice.

“Trix, I’m telling you there’s nothing going on. I just didn’t want to stress you out”

“You hiding things from me? That stresses me out”

“Then I’m sorry. But I’m fine”

Trixie took a deep breath. Katya still looked wary, like she was waiting to be baited into the fight. There was no way she was going to admit to anything tonight, & Trixie knew it.

“Okay. I believe you. But you’d tell me if you weren’t, right?”

“I’d tell you”

“So what do you want me to bring you from the dining hall?”

“I don’t know. I’m not super hungry”

“You need to eat something though, you haven’t eaten since breakfast” _if then_ , she added internally.

“Bring me whatever you’re having then. I don’t really care”

 

…

 

Trixie felt vaguely disconcerted with how easily Katya had acquiesced to being brought food.

She made her way through the cafeteria line, trying to pick out what she thought Katya would eat. She loaded both her & Katya’s plates with steamed vegetables, which she reasoned were low calorie & likely to be less intimidating. She also added stir fried rice, some of the potato smiley fries, and pasta salad, so there would be three different types of carbs to choose from. She piled on every kind of fruit from the dessert end of the table, as well as the proper sugary junk she knew Katya had a weakness for. Her tray was absolutely brimming with different food options by the time she started heading back to their dorm room.

…

 

As soon as Trixie left the room, Katya lay herself out on the floor between the beds. She could feel her tailbone digging into the hard wood under the carpet as she pulled her knees up into a sit up position. With each sit up, the bottom of her spine pushed into the floor, marking the notches in her back pink.

  _If I do 50, I can have 3 things._

_3 mouthfuls or 3 types of food?_

_Types of food._

_That could be a lot though. You don’t know what she’ll bring you back. It could all be big food. What if it’s like a burger, you can’t have that & other food. 3 small things is fine but mouthful counting would be safer._

_10 mouthfuls? For 50 sit ups & a minute bicycle reps._

_It won’t even out. Sit ups aren’t cardio enough._

_But I haven’t had anything else today, so it’ll still be a loss. It’s fine, 10 is fine._


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “She’s…um” Trixie found to her enormous embarrassment that her throat was squeezing closed in that ‘about to cry’ way, forcing her voice up an octave. “Katya’s uh… I don’t know”
> 
> With that, the tears spilled over & she hiccoughed, the sound mortifyingly loud. Alaska looked more uncomfortable than she’d ever seen her, shifting her weight from foot to foot & trying to look anywhere other than Trixie’s blubbering face. Eventually she seemed to decide that the only way past the fire was through it. She stepped forward and gently pulled the dinner tray from her hands, setting it down on the floor. She then wrapped her long arms around Trixie’s shoulders, pulling her in for a slightly stiff hug, which unfortunately pushed the tears into a free flow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the angst gets pretty heavy in this chapter but I mean on the plus side we have an Alaska cameo?
> 
> Thanks again for all your comments & kudos, they're much appreciated! xx

Trixie pushed the dorm hall door open with her foot, sticking her hip out to keep it open as she balanced her laden dinner tray precariously. She huffed her hair off her face, giving the heavy door a shove with her hip and slipping through into the hallway. A taloned hand caught the door before it closed, followed shortly through the doorway by its owner: a tall, willowy blonde in an immaculately pressed uniform, her blazer weighed down with possibly every achievement badge the school gave out.

“Trixie” drawled the blonde girl, drawing out the vowels until it sounded almost like a whine, “wait”

“Alaska? You didn’t feel like helping me with that door at all?”

“Not really,” Alaska shrugged, raising one heavily arched brow & inspecting her nails with a smirk.

“Why are you up even up here? Your dorm isn’t in this hall”

“I need to talk to you,” the smirk had dropped from her mouth & she looked uncharacteristically unsure. “It’s about your girlfriend”

Trixie’s heart thudded hard against her ribcage. She might not be able to get much out of Katya about what had happened that morning, but it sounded like Alaska was willing to fill her in. Alaska was normally someone Trixie tried to avoid, finding her cold aura & glaring superiority in every way off-putting, but for once she was eager to talk to the head girl.

“Is it about this morning?” the words tumbled out of her mouth so quickly they probably sounded like one long Wisconian garble. Luckily Alaska seemed to understand what she meant.

“Yes, it’s about this morning. Did she tell you what happened?” 

“She... sort of did. She told me she fainted & you found her but she didn’t go into detail” 

Alaska opened her mouth the respond then paused, glancing down at the tray in Trixie’s hands.

“Is that for Katya?”

Trixie nodded. Alaska continued.

“That’s… good. Trixie, what’s going on with her at the moment?”

“She’s…um” Trixie found to her enormous embarrassment that her throat was squeezing closed in that ‘about to cry’ way, forcing her voice up an octave. “Katya’s uh… I don’t know”

With that, the tears spilled over & she hiccoughed, the sound mortifyingly loud. Alaska looked more uncomfortable than she’d ever seen her, shifting her weight from foot to foot & trying to look anywhere other than Trixie’s blubbering face. Eventually she seemed to decide that the only way past the fire was through it. She stepped forward and gently pulled the dinner tray from her hands, setting it down on the floor. She then wrapped her long arms around Trixie’s shoulders, pulling her in for a slightly stiff hug, which unfortunately pushed the tears into a free flow.

“Oh. Uh, don’t do that,” her usual drawl was stilted, “please don’t cry harder, I thought I was being nice”

“You *hiccup* _are_ being nice”

Alaska seemed encouraged by this & patted her back in what Trixie guessed was supposed to be a comforting way, her long claw nails tapping against her shirt disconcertingly. Now she was trying to suppress her laughter at Alaska’s obvious discomfort, as well as her crying:  it ended up coming out as a series of weird shuddery snorts.

“Are you laughing at me?!”

“Well… I’m not _not_ laughing at you” her voice came out an odd mix of watery and joking.

Alaska pulled back, incredulous, & Trixie dissolved further into her laugh/cry combination at the look on her face, desperately trying to keep up to speed with wiping the tears off her cheeks. She couldn’t even tell at this point if she was still crying or crying with laughter, the last couple of days having left her too tired to know how to display the appropriate emotion anymore.

“We've finally found something the great Alaska Thunder isn't good at! Please tell me you want to be a therapist when you leave here”

Alaska’s eyebrow was back up near her hairline.

“I don’t. I want to be a herpetologist” she said dryly, crossing her arms as if daring Trixie to keep laughing at her.

“Of course you do” snorted Trixie, still hiccoughing.

“Look, can I just tell you about this morning?”

Trixie sobered immediately. “Please,” she nodded.

“So I went in to the bathrooms around 6 to start getting ready for class. I’d been in there a couple of minutes, brushed my teeth and stuff, before I headed to the showers & saw her. Her arm was lying out from under the shower curtain & the shower was still going but it’d gone cold. Trixie, I… I seriously thought she was dead at first. She was freezing and she was all the wrong colour & she’s so thin, Trixie I hadn’t even noticed until today how skinny she is. I was panicking. I turned the shower off & wrapped her up in towels to try warm her up, I was yelling for someone to come help but no one was around & I didn’t want to leave her to go find someone.

So finally she started waking up & I thought she was having a seizure, she woke up with this huge shudder, it was awful. She asked me to take her back to your room, begged me not to take her to the nurse but I ended up taking her to Visage instead, I didn’t know what to do. I’ve never seen Miss Visage freak out like that. She screamed at me to go wake up Nurse Dela, then when I came back she was hugging Katya like she was her own kid, wouldn’t leave her side & Katya was just bawling. Then Dela started asking her questions & they made me leave so I don’t know what happened after that, I think they rang her parents. Trixie, it was so scary. I was so scared for her, I seriously didn’t know if she was going to wake up.”

Alaska looked visibly shaken but it was nothing compared to how Trixie felt, the image of Katya lying cold on the tiles & never waking up rooted firmly at the front of her brain. Their last words would’ve been a fight. Why was Katya even in the showers that early? She was far from criminally over organized like Alaska was. How long had she been lying there before Alaska found her? She’d downplayed it so much when Trixie had confronted her about it, the full gravitas hadn’t even hit her, it hadn’t felt real. 

“They called me back in in period 3 to go over what had happened, what I’d seen. I think they’ll probably call you in soon too” 

“Call me in!? What, why?!” 

“Whatever’s going on with her, it’s serious. After this morning there’s no way they’re just going to let her carry on like nothing happened, I’m pretty sure I overheard them trying to get her parents to fly in. But they don’t know any details, she was all wrapped up in towels when Visage saw her, I don’t know if she could even tell how skinny she is. Trixie, right after she fainted she was trying to brush it off  like it was no big deal but she looks so ill. Does she tell you anything, do you know what’s wrong?”

“She doesn’t tell me anything, just tells me she’s fine & gets mad when I push it. I don’t know what to do Alaska,” Trixie admitted, toying with a loose thread on her sleeve. “If I do get called in, & she found out I’d talked to Miss Visage about her, she’d never forgive me” 

Alaska was silent. Trixie could tell she was thinking hard about her next words, her eyes considering Trixie with concern. 

“I think… you need to think about what Katya needs you to do at the moment rather than what she might want you to do. Do you think she’s okay at the moment?”

“No”

“If you lie to Miss Visage & say Katya’s fine, do you think she’ll get better?” Alaska’s tone was uncharacteristically soft, un-accusatory. “because if you don’t, then I think you know what you need to do. Trixie, does she eat anything?”

Trixie could feel the tears threatening to overflow anew. She gestured to the abandoned dinner tray. 

“She might? I’m trying to help her” 

“That’s um… that’s really hard on you Trix. Katya getting better isn’t something you can magically fix for her, it’s something she has to do herself & I think she needs professionals. If she’s not eating, you can’t take that on as your responsibility”

Trixie’s voice cracked noticeably as she murmured her response, “I know”

Alaska pulled her into a hug again & it felt more natural this time, despite Trixie having to try her hardest not to get mascara-ey tear splotches on Alaska’s always immaculate uniform. “She’s gonna hate me so much,” she whispered.

...

Their food was still passably warm by the time Trixie got back to the room, despite her stopover with Alaska. Katya was curled up in her bed where she’d left her, the duvet pulled right up to her nose & blonde hair now pulled up into a messy, sweaty looking bun. She looked up at Trixie & frowned, looking slightly guilty.

“Trixie, have you been crying?”

Trixie had tried her best to get rid of her messy mascara with a tissue out in the corridor, but there hadn’t been anything she could do to hide the fact her eyes were still post-cry puffy & half her make up was gone. She nodded with a shrug. “Crying is our theme of the week, apparently.”

Katya threw her arms out of the duvet, making exaggerated grabby motions with her hands.

“Come here mama”

Trixie obliged, setting the dinner tray on Katya’s desk, & wriggling up next to her. She picked a fry off the plate & held it up to Katya’s mouth. Katya held eye contact as she slowly parted her lips, allowing Trixie to push the morsel between them. Her face was serious as she chewed, then split into a shit eating grin.

“Baby bird!”

Katya lunged forward, pinning Trixie’s shoulders against the mattress, sitting over her thighs as she leant into her face. “Baby Bird! Open up!” she cackled, showing off the food in her mouth obscenely.

“If you try spit your food in my mouth, Katya, I swear to god I will full murder you. I’m from Wisconsin, you  _know_ you’re getting murdered” Trixie struggled as hard as she could under Katya’s grip, threatening her through lips pressed tightly together. Katya had always been surprisingly strong, but Trixie had a good half a head on her height wise & it didn’t take her long to get an arm free & push Katya off her, flipping their positions. She held her hand firmly over Katya’s mouth.

“Swallow”

She looked at her petulantly, but obliged, wincing slightly as the food went down. She immediately stuck her tongue out against Trixie’s hand, causing her to pull it back with a squeal. “Katya!”

The grin was back in place, though her eyes were wide and jumpy & Trixie could feel her heart hammering against her hand as she pinned her.

“Now Tracy, how will you grow up big & strong if you won’t let me spit in your mouth?”

“You are fucking  _vile_ ” Trixie sat back onto Katya’s hips, “and I think you’ll find if you try to get up, that I already am big & strong”

Katya wriggled ineffectually, pinned in place by Trixie’s thighs. She let out a high pitched whine, slapping half-heartedly at Trixie’s legs. It was fairly clear to both of them that she wasn’t going to be able to push her off. She reached up to stroke down the sides of Trixie’s arms instead, tugging at her shirt gently to pull her down for a kiss. Katya wrapped her arms tightly around Trixie’s back, pulling her in close as she sighed into her mouth, rolling them onto their sides. Trixie rubbed her thumbs into Katya’s shoulders, her heart in conflict over enjoying the closeness with her girlfriend and the anxiety that bubbled as she felt how thin she was. She pulled back to press a kiss to Katya’s forehead, smoothing an errant curl back into her bun.

“You should eat your dinner,” she murmured, still stroking her hair. Katya ignored the suggestion, leaning in to kiss her again, this time much less gently. Her tongue flicked against Trixie’s lips & she let out an exaggerated moan, pressing herself into Trixie’s curves. Trixie pushed her back.

“Stop it.”

“Do you not want to?”

“I want to eat dinner first, make out second”

“I want… to eat pussy first!” Katya wheezed at her own joke, only laughing more at Trixie’s unamused glare.

“Katya.”

A warning, in her “done with your bullshit” tone. Trixie sat up & swung her legs off the bed, picking the dinner tray up & sitting down cross legged on the floor. She heaped a mouthful of the pasta salad into her mouth, carefully avoiding the olives to leave for Katya. Katya huffed from the bed. She reached a hand down to poke at the vegetables.

“They’re kind of cold”

“Bitch, that’s your own fault! Have the pasta salad then, that’s supposed to be cold”

“I don’t really like pasta salad”

“Since when do you not like pasta salad?”

“Since always! I just don’t like pasta in general, it’s all in the lasagna family”

Trixie fought back an eye roll. “You sound five years old Katya, just eat your dinner”

“Can I go microwave the veggies?”

“A. I’m not your mom, don’t ask me what you can do and B. The whole point of me bringing your dinner up here is that you’re supposed to stay in bed, so no you can’t”

“Can you go-“

“Katya!”

“Fucking fine. I don’t want it anyway.”

She rolled over to face away from Trixie & the food, pulling the duvet up over her chin. Trixie pushed down the urge to smother her with her pillow. Instead, she picked up a grape off the tray and chucked it at her head. It hit behind her ear & bounced down somewhere under the duvet. “Shit catch, Katya" 

Katya rolled back over to glare at her, fishing the offending grape out of the sheets and pelting it back at Trixie. She missed by a mile, the grape ending up lost somewhere amongst their stacks of make up on the dresser.

“Impressive”

“Fuck off”

Katya’s reply was blunt & humorless. She was being purposely frustrating & it was working: it was taking all of Trixie’s willpower not to just get up & leave. She breathed a deep breath & tried to let her frustrations out with the exhale, as Katya herself had always told her to. She put on her sweetest “girlfriend voice” & tried again.

“I saved all the olives for you Kat, I know you like them”

Katya was running out of distractions and she could feel the panic rising in her chest as she realised Trixie wasn’t going to let up. Knowing she was going to watch her eat made her feel like a zoo animal, claustrophobic and uncomfortably on display. She felt like her face had forgotten how to make normal human expressions, wanted to scream under the scrutiny. There was no way to get out of eating without it being obvious what she was doing and an internal battle was raging between her repulsion at having to swallow more food & her need to reassure Trixie that she didn’t have a problem.

Trixie picked out the olives and put them on their own plate. Five. Which was an uneven number which felt better to eat, especially as the olives were small & only five calories each & she liked the match of the numbers. Five was okay, twenty five total was well under her daily limit. Even with the chip she’d already eaten. It was just that once she’d started she knew it was so much harder to stop herself, especially when the food was all right in front of her. It was so much easier to just not have anything at all, remove the temptation entirely. But that clearly wasn’t going to be an option tonight. Trixie knelt on the floor in front of the bed & balanced the plate on the pillow, looking at with eyes so soft they made guilt curl & hiss high in Katya’s stomach.

“Please eat Kat”

It was a whisper & it broke Katya’s heart. The guilt in her stomach pulled tighter. She reached out & put an olive in her mouth, swallowing as fast as she could before her body obeyed the voice in her head screaming at her to spit it. It felt like an oversized pill, nearly choking her as it went down her throat. The after taste was too salty in her mouth & she felt sick. She swallowed the others in quick succession. Trixie beamed at her. She felt like crying.


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She couldn’t stop.
> 
> She felt like the expanding blueberry girl from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, imagined she could feel the stitches on her pyjama top ripping and splitting as her stomach bloated. Her stomach hurt, she felt like she had too much energy all at once and it was making her dizzy, and her fingers wouldn’t stop shoveling food down her throat and it was making worse and all she wanted was for her throat to open wide enough for her hands to reach down and pull it all back out again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! 
> 
> Sticking to my classic update style of short and far between because I'm useless haha. I also deleted the previous chapter as I wanted to merge it together with chapter four, as I felt it made for less disjointed reading when going through the story as a whole. However this did delete a whole bunch of your lovely comments as well unfortunately! They were read and valued I promise, I just wanted to edit the chapters for cohesion! 
> 
> The trigger warning is heavy heavy heavy for this chapter, please proceed with caution re: panic attacks, purging and dissociation. 
> 
> Thanks for still being interested in this story guys! x

She couldn’t stop.

She felt like the expanding blueberry girl from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, imagined she could feel the stitches on her pyjama top ripping and splitting as her stomach bloated. Her stomach _hurt_ , she felt like she had too much energy all at once and it was making her dizzy, and her fingers wouldn’t stop shoveling food down her throat and it was making worse and all she wanted was for her throat to open wide enough for her hands to reach down and pull it all back out again. And Trixie was there and Katya couldn’t tell if she looked happy or scared or disgusted or probably all three at once. 

She _was_ disgusting.

Trixie was saying something but she couldn’t zone in enough to understand what it was. The noise of her voice was crystal clear but Katya couldn’t make her brain string it into a sentence she understood. It was like there was a thick fog between them, translating her words into a language Katya couldn’t speak. All it was doing was adding to the cacophony in her head and she just wanted Trixie to stop, she so LOUD. Trixie reached out to grab her arm and she felt claustrophobic. She wondered if she started at her eyelids, if she could peel her way out of her own skin and escape.

“I need to pee,” she muttered, shaking Trixie’s hand off her arm and fighting the urge to sprint to the door. She threw back what she hoped was a reassuring expression but in reality probably looked more like a frantic grimace.

The hallway was cooler than their room and Katya was hyper aware of the goosebumps raising on her tightly crossed arms as she made her way to the bathroom. She walked quickly, her stomach roiling and tight. She could feel the soft brushed cotton of her pyjamas against her bloated skin and she crossed her arms tighter, pinching at herself over her ribs. She was all but running by the time she reached the bathroom, fingers halfway down her throat before she even finished locking the stall.

She pushed them in deep, could feel her tongue jump against her hand as she choked herself. Her stomach jolted but the food stayed down. She pressed hard into her abdomen with her free hand, leaning over the toilet as a string of spit spiderwebbed to the bowl. It wasn’t coming up. She dug her hand into her stomach harder. She was coughing now, her throat spasming and pushing at her fingers as she fought to keep them in place. She couldn’t breathe. Her vision was spotting and she could feel herself shaking against the toilet seat but the food stayed stubbornly put. Tears of frustration dripped into the bowl as she felt the panic rising.

“Katya?!”

She whipped her fingers out of her throat, wiping the drool off on her pyjamas and scrambling to pull herself up off the stall floor before Trixie could see what she was trying to do. She braced her hands against the flimsy walls as she waited for the black to clear from her vision, headache thumping tightly between her brows.

“Katya, are you alright?”

“I’m fine! Been able to pee by myself for years now, actually”

She tore off a strip off toilet paper and swiped furiously under her eyes before dropping it in the bowl, then reached back to flush the otherwise empty toilet. She unlocked the cubicle door and it swung open to reveal Trixie leaning against the wall opposite, stony faced.

“I could hear what you were doing”

“I wasn’t doing anything”

“Bullshit”

Trixie glared at her, the strangest combination of fury and something softer that Katya couldn’t quite place. Her voice was eerily even when she spoke.

“Katya, come here”

Katya stepped towards her, her heart threatening to drop out through her rib cage. Trixie grabbed her hands, pulling them up to her face so quickly it made Katya stumble. She inspected the imprints from her teeth over her knuckles, tracing her thumb along the bite. She pressed a kiss into the reddened skin of Katya’s hand, then a kiss against her forehead. It felt to Katya like a seal of forgiveness, branded to the parts of her that hurt herself, hurt Trixie, the most.

Trixie pulled her down to sit on the bathroom floor, leaning against the tiled wall as Katya curled herself against her chest. Katya said nothing as Trixie stroked her hair, rubbed her back. She could hear her sniffling above her, but her own eyes were dry now; she felt like she couldn’t focus on the world. Her heart felt hard and tight with dread and guilt, as though the bloating from her stomach had taken up the space where her other organs should be and crushed them against the insides of her ribs. She was vaguely aware of Trixie whispering “I’m so sorry Kat” into her hair.

The scuff of slippers in the doorway broke her stupor. Miss Visage stood there in her dressing gown, the lack of make up jarring on her usually severe face. She was followed by Violet, phone in one hand and biting at the nails of the other.

“Katya, I think it’s best if you sleep in the sick bay tonight, where someone can keep an eye on you. Your parents are going to come by tomorrow morning”

“My parents?! I think it’s just a 24 hour bug or something, I’m fine, they really don’t need-“

“Katya, this isn’t up for negotiation, I have a duty of care. I’m stepping in because your friends are worried about you, I’m very worried about you. I already called them after this morning. We want to help you”

“But I don’t need any help! There’s nothing wrong!”

She pushed herself up from the floor, steadying herself against the cold tiles on the wall.

“Trixie, tell them I’m fine, they’re worrying over nothing”

Her voice was suddenly unnaturally bright as she fixed Trixie with desperate eyes, begging her to lie for her. Trixie avoided her eyes and looked down at the floor.

“…Trixie? Why are they even-“ her eyes narrowed as the penny dropped. “You told them to come find me”

“I’m sorry Kat, I’m so sorry”


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their shared room was eerily quiet without Katya there. Trixie was used to the constant background static of her energy if nothing else; coming in to Katya re-arranging all four pieces of their school issued furniture, doing handstands against the wall at odd hours of the night, her constant fidgeting. 
> 
> The room still looked like Katya lived there, her duvet kicked to the end of her bed and the walls of her side covered in drawings. When Katya was there, Trixie had found them fascinating; ghoulish but clever. Now the disproportioned faces leered at her across the room, creepy and off-putting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> She's back with another update! It's cheerful as always for this story and fair warning for Katya being less than a pleasant person this chapter, she's going through it. 
> 
> Any Russian is courtesy of Google Translate and probably fairly dubious haha.

Their shared room was eerily quiet without Katya there. Trixie was used to the constant background static of her energy if nothing else; coming in to Katya re-arranging all four pieces of their school issued furniture, doing handstands against the wall at odd hours of the night, her constant fidgeting. The room still looked like Katya lived there, her duvet kicked to the end of her bed and the walls of her side covered in drawings. When Katya was there, Trixie had found them fascinating; ghoulish but clever. Now the disproportioned faces leered at her across the room, creepy and off-putting.

Trixie was trying not to think in finalities. Katya would go home for a couple of weeks and come back better, it would be like nothing had ever happened. She’d still want to share a room, she’d forgive Trixie for ratting on her, she’d be grateful Trixie cared enough to help her. She’s not gone forever, she’s coming back. She’s coming back. As she sat staring at Katya’s unmade bed opposite, she repeated it like a mantra.

Her Katya meditation was interrupted by a soft knock on the door. Violet slipped through the frame without waiting for an invitation, sitting beside Trixie on the bed and silently lacing their hands together. Violet’s fingers were cold, like Katya’s always were. She couldn’t decide if the similarity was comforting or confronting.

“We did the right thing Trixie”

She didn’t have the energy to reply, merely nodded without looking over.

“She’s going to be ok. We can say proper goodbyes tomorrow morning then I’m sure they’ll let us go visit her while she’s uh… away”

Violet stuttered over the end of her sentence, seemingly unsure on what to call Katya’s departure. Trixie didn’t reply.

“Have you thought about what we should tell people when they ask where she is?”

“People should mind their own business”

“Well they won’t. I’m gonna tell them the Russian mafia took a hit out on her”

Trixie snorted at that.

“But we should probably tell the girls who’re close to her the truth though. I can, if you don’t want to deal with it. I’ll tell them not to ask you about it.”

She turned to look at Violet then, grateful for her practical approach to compassion. She nodded out a thank you, not trusting her voice not to break if she tried to use her words.

Violet squeezed her hand.

“Text me if you need me. If you don’t want to be in here or you want to come sleep in our room or anything, just let me know.”

When Violet left, Trixie crossed the room to Katya’s bed. She curled herself up in the sheets that smelt like her cigarettes and cried herself to sleep again.

 

…

 

The next morning, Trixie drifted down to the breakfast hall in a daze. The conversation quickly hushed at her regular table as she sat down and she could tell Violet had briefed the other girls before she’d gotten there. She glared around the table, daring someone to raise the topic. No one took her bait. Fame opened her mouth as if to speak but quickly shut it with a swift kick from Violet under the table. Trixie ate her toast in silence as the chatter resumed around her, the girls suddenly immensely interested in discussing their weekend plans. She ate quickly and left without speaking to anyone.

She almost collided with Miss Visage in the entrance way.

“Trixie! I was hoping I’d find you before classes start. Come with me, I’d like to have a chat with you in my office”

 

…

 

Miss Visage’s office wasn’t somewhere Trixie often found herself. It was normally reserved for “trouble” students and with her near perfect grades and exemplary attendance, Trixie had never been called in for a meeting in there before. The only times she’d seen inside the room had been quick glimpses when delivering a message to the deputy head for another teacher.

It was in the older section of the school, grander but not as warm or well lit as the newer wing their dorm rooms were in. The ceiling was high and the wood paneled walls were largely hidden by photo frames of Visage’s family and an extensive bookshelf, stocking an eclectic collection of literary classics and unauthorized biographies of 80s pop stars. 

Trixie shifted in her seat as Visage fixed her with a searching look. She could see the pity on the older woman’s face and it made her hugely uncomfortable.

“How are you doing today Trixie?”

The use of her nickname, rather than the usual full name basis only routine, again confirmed Miss Visage was in full mothering mode.

“I’m fine”

“It’s okay if you’re not, it would be expected even if you-“ 

“No really, I’m fine. I don’t need to talk about it” Trixie interjected, feeling the blush rising high on her face.

“Just know that if you do, you’re welcome to stop by my office any time. Or we can book you in a session with the school councilor if you’d like. I know it must be a difficult time for you, with you and Katya being so close”

“I don’t need to but thanks” the mortification of having a “feelings” chat with her vice principal was causing Trixie to sink lower and lower into her seat. “Can I.. Will I be able to say goodbye to Katya before she leaves? Is she still here?”

“She’s still here. You and Violet can be excused from class to see her off, I’m sure she’d appreciate the support. I’m aware she has a lot of friends, but I’d, and I’m sure she’d, prefer we didn’t have a scene so I’d like to keep the send off small.”

“Are they taking her home?”

“No, they’re not taking her home. There’s a facility that specializes in eating disorders a couple of hours from here. Her mother will be staying in a hotel nearby while Katya gets treatment. Her father is coming to help her settle in but then he has to go back to the embassy in DC.”

Trixie nodded. That Katya’s dad was coming at all spoke to the seriousness of her situation. Trixie had met Svetlana Zamolodchikova at school prizegivings a couple of times, when Katya had gotten art awards or won a gymnastics competition. She was a tiny woman with platinum blonde hair, always perfectly sleek and styled unlike her daughter’s. Her English was fluent and extensive, tinged with only the slightest Russian inflection after years of living in America. At first Trixie had thought she came across as icy and intimidating, but only because she was so immaculately put together.

She always brought Katya a gift when she came, never pretentious or expensive like Trixie had expected from an Ambassador’s wife; paintbrushes or more of the weird jewellery Katya liked. The last time she’d visited, she’d brought Trixie a gift too; a glittery eye shadow palette and a pretty gold bracelet with a bee charm. Evidently Katya had let slip that Trixie’s parents didn’t visit her often. 

“It’s nothing, I just wanted to buy someone nice jewellery for a change! My daughter has terrible taste” Svetlana had remarked, as Katya had snorted and admired her own new eyeball shaped earrings in the window behind them. Trixie could feel herself welling up at the memory and shut it down quickly. She had never met Petyr Zamolodchikova. To her knowledge, he’d never had time to come to a school event, not even when Katya had won the state final for gym the year before. 

“Katya’s parents will be leaving with her at ten. We need to have some discussions with them about the situation before she goes, so I’m afraid you probably won’t get a chance to see her before then. You can have the day off classes, however Mr. Gordon has said that he’s handing out the mid term assignments for your English class this afternoon so you do need to stop by and pick up your essay questions sometime today.”

The idea that she still had to write English essays seemed surreal.

“Can I trust you to let Violet know the same?”

Trixie nodded and stood up to leave.

“Thank you. She’ll be okay Trixie. She’s getting help, she has such a good support system. She might even be allowed visitors in a few weeks time. You did the best thing you could’ve done for her last night, though I know it may not feel like it right now.”

Trixie didn’t know how to respond. She settled for nodding curtly once again and excusing herself from the office as quickly as she could.

 

…

 

Trixie and Violet waited by the front gate in an anxious silence. The morning, though cold, was bright and sunny with impending Spring and failed to match the mood of the day at all. It felt wrong to be sending Katya off to probably the worst weeks of her life in such downright optimistic weather. They didn’t have to wait for long.

Svetlana and Petyr walked out of the main door with Katya between them, Miss Visage and Nurse Dela a few steps behind. Trixie had never seen Svetlana look less than impeccable, but today her hair was un-styled and frizzing. She wore no make up and was dressed in exercise gear, although Trixie could tell it was probably expensive. She looked exhausted, like she’d aged ten years from when Trixie had last seen her six months ago. Petyr was tall and broad, his fair hair receding slightly. He too was dressed casually, his expression impossible to read.

“Are you sure you don’t want to change Katya?” he said. Between them, Katya had apparently refused to change out of her pyjamas and she stomped along proudly in her shark patterned ensemble.

“So sorry, should I dress up for the loony bin?”

Her tone was biting and Trixie was taken aback, hearing her snap at her parents. Katya didn’t even look at the girls as she walked straight past them, beelining for the waiting car.

“Екатерина, you can stop sulking right now. Don’t you _dare_ ignore your friends who’ve come to see you off”

Svetlana didn’t raise her voice but her anger was palpable.

“They’re not my friends.” Katya still wouldn’t look at them, as she spun around to face her mother. Svetlana didn’t budge.

 “Вы грубы. Растите и покажите своим друзьям какое-то уважение.” 

“Они разрушили мою жизнь. Ты разрушаешь мою жизнь! Пожалуйста, не заставляй меня туда мама, пожалуйста!” the tears began to run down Katya’s face anew, her cheeks pink with anger. They watched the two exchange rapid fire Russian like a tennis match. 

“Вы ведете себя как двухлетняя Екатерина. Я ожидаю от тебя большего.” 

“Вы относитесь ко мне как к двухлетнему ребенку! Почему бы мне не выбрать в этом !?”

“Katya, get in the car and stop making a scene if you can’t be a grown up! I’m not going to engage with you when you’re like this”

Katya stormed to the car, slamming the door behind her. Trixie could just make out her outline through the tinted windows enough to see her lean her head forward into her hands, shaking. Katya couldn’t rip Trixie’s heart into more pieces if she tried. Svetlana turned to the girls.

“I’m so sorry, Trixie, Violet. I’m so embarrassed that my daughter would treat you like that. Thank you for coming to say goodbye to her. Underneath all that, I know it will mean a lot to her that you did.”

She hugged each of the girls gently, before taking a deep breath and walking with her husband to the car. Petyr gave them a nod and thanked Miss Visage and Dela, then they got in and it started to pull away. Violet gripped Trixie’s arm as the tears started up again.

The car stopped abruptly.

Katya’s door flung open and she sprinted back towards Trixie, both of them openly crying now. She threw her arms around the taller girl, pulling her into a tight embrace. Trixie hugged her back, trying to memorise every detail of what it felt like to hold her. Then Katya stood up on her tip toes and leaned in to whisper in her ear.

“ _You’re fucking dead to me. I never want to see you again_.”

Trixie jerked away from her like she’d been burnt. Katya turned on her heel and walked slowly back to the car. This time it pulled away for real, leaving Trixie shell shocked at the gate.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Violet is a good friend with zero tact, Katya goes into treatment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh wow, it's back! This fic is still not dead, just chronically slow to update as per usual x

“Trixie… do you wanna tell me what happened back there?”

Trixie could feel the lump rising in her throat again, as she opened her mouth to get the words out. She shook her head instead. The girls sat in silence at either end of Violet’s immaculately made bed, neither of them keen to go back to the room that still felt so clearly like Katya’s space. Trixie wondered how many of Katya’s things she’d taken. She couldn’t decide which would be worse; going back and finding Katya’s side barren and sterilized, all reminders of her erased, or finding it unchanged, her belongings ghosts of the girl who used to live there. Her phone buzzed under her knee and she quickly peeled the screen from her skin.

_One unread message from <3 Katyaaa <3._

**K: I can’t believe you did this to me.**

**K: I seriously believed you when you said you loved me. Obviously you’re a liar, on top of everything else.**

She was paralyzed, staring at the screen in horror, as text after text rolled in.

**K: You want me LOCKED UP?**

**K: I hope you’re really fucking happy.**

**K: Because I’m having a fucking whale of a time. Can’t wait to get to the loony bin!**

**K: I honestly fucking hate you.**

**K: Did you just want to get rid of me that badly?**  

**K: Clearly you hate me, or you wouldn’t have done it.**

**K: I hate you.**

“Right okay, no, we’re not putting up with this.”

Violet had Trixie’s phone out of her hands before she could even register she’d reached for it.

**T: Hi Katya, it’s Violet. I’m blocking your number on Trixie’s phone, until you stop being such a raging bitch. In an emergency, you can contact her through me. Bye cunt, go get better x**

“Violet! Give me my phone back, what’re you sending her!?”

“I’m blocking her.”

“No! She needs me, what if she needs me?! She doesn’t know what she’s saying!”

“Of course she doesn’t. But do you think your real Katya would want you to have to read those things? The last thing she’d ever want to do is hurt you. Remember when I laughed at you for tripping down the stairs and crying? She full on tried to fight me. You need to take a step back from Hurricane Katya right now and let her calm down. Otherwise she’s gonna do damage you can’t come back from.”

“I can’t just abandon her!”

“You’re not abandoning her. You’re making sure you _can_ be there when she’s ready. If she needs you, she can text me and I’ll let you know right away. I doubt they’ll let her have her phone anyway, Trixie." 

“But I-“

“No. She’s not gonna let you be there for her at the moment and forcing it isn’t going to help anyone. First off, save her some embarrassment for later when she’s back in her right mind and secondly you actually need to look after yourself as well. I’ve blocked her on everything. Now we’re gonna put our phones in that drawer and if you don’t want to talk about it, then we’re not gonna talk about it. We have the whole day off and all the teachers feel sorry for us, so let’s properly skive off and go into town.” 

Violet grabbed both their phones and shut them in her top desk drawer. She pulled Trixie to her feet, swiping under her eyes briskly with a make up wipe before tossing it perfectly into the waste basket in the corner. She quickly got changed out of her uniform, swapping her pleated school skirt for tight high waisted black jeans and tucking into them an oversized sweater with “Bite Me” emblazoned across the front. Trixie pulled a loose thread from her school shirt, spiraled it tighter and tighter around her finger as she waited. She watched the skin puff through the gaps, purpling slightly as she cut off the circulation.

“Trixie”

Violet interrupted her reverie with her signature brusqueness, clicking her fingers under Trixie’s nose.

“Now am I going to your room to get your stuff or are we both going?”

“Uh. I… No, I’ll come”

… 

 

Katya’s bed was stripped, her sheets and covers folded neatly in the laundry basket, along with her uniform, and her pillows stacked against the wall. There were none of her clothes on the floor, her art supplies neatly in their box under the bed. Her collections of “things” still cluttered their desk and none of her pictures had been moved from the wall. Her suitcase and most of her casual clothes were gone from the wardrobe. The window was wide open, the room freshly aired and cold.

 Trixie tried not to look at Katya’s side of the room as she quickly grabbed a pink fluffy sweater and some black leggings, tucking her bus pass and card into her bra. She fished her black boots out from under her bed and left the room as quickly as she could, still pulling her boots on as she went.

…

 

_*Message Failed to Send*_

_*Message Failed to Send*_

_*Message Failed to Send*_

Katya fought the urge to throw her phone out of the window of the now stilling car, settling instead for gripping it so hard she hoped the screen would crack and cut her hands up. 

The clinic didn’t look like how Katya had pictured a mental hospital. It was a relatively normal looking house, in a relatively normal looking suburb, a small wooden plaque on the fence titling it “Greenfield House”. There were no locks on the gates or straight jacketed patients rampaging the lawns, running from orderlies. It was quiet, with a well-maintained garden.

As they approached the door, Svetlana reached for her hand. Katya gave her mother a withering look as she pulled away, crossing her arms tightly across her chest. Petyr rapped sharply on the door, and the three stood stiffly in the archway as they awaited the approaching footsteps. The door opened and they were greeted by a smiling red haired woman.

“Good morning Zamoldchiki-somethings! Katya, you’ll have to teach me how to pronounce that while you’re here. I’m Jinkx & I’ll be your inflight service manager today, also known as your head nurse here at Greenfield, or your house mom! You can leave your bags in the coat room to your left and someone will take them up to your room for you. Now if you follow me, I’ll give you your welcome tour.” 

She was relentlessly enthusiastic and on a good day, Katya might’ve found it endearing. Today however, Jinkx’s attempts at cheerful banter were grating on her last nerve. She followed her parents listlessly as the nurse led them through the different rooms. As they reached the main room at the end of the hallway, Jinkx was suddenly all business.

“So in here is the dining room. We all eat together, and you must stay seated at the table until you are given permission to leave. If you aren’t able to finish your meal, you will be offered the equivalent calories in nutrition shakes. You do get some choice around your meal plans, so you’re allowed to choose your starches, your vegetables and so on from the options list, however you will be instructed as to how many portions you need from each group per meal. You’re to have three meals a day, and two set snacks.”

Katya could feel tears threatening again as Jinkx continued talking about meal plan options and where her parents could fill out the form for allergies or medically approved dietary requirements. 

“That’s pretty much it for the ground floor! You can go up and see your room after we get you weighed in. Would you be more comfortable if Mom or Dad came into the exam room with you Katya?” 

Svetlana hovered at the entrance to the exam room expectantly, biting on her previously perfect nails in a nervous habit Katya had never seen before. Katya shook her head resolutely and stormed past her mother, closing the door squarely behind her and pretending she couldn’t hear the startled sob from the other side. Jinkx gestured her to a chair and began rifling through the forms on their clipboard.

 “So we have your patient information and consent form already filled out because your parents emailed it through. What we’re going to do today is your initial weigh in and measurements, as well as checking on your vitals to see whether you could be at risk for Refeeding Syndrome. I’m going to start with the easy stuff, just blood pressure and a blood test to see where you’re at. If you could hold out your arm for me, I’m gonna put the cuff on you and we’ll see how your heart’s doing.”

Katya held her arm up silently, not really listening as Jinkx explained what the numbers meant, something about diastolic and systolic rates that didn’t interest her. Her numbers were low but not immediately concerning and Jinkx noted down that it was something to monitor with her treatment. Katya visibly balked as Jinkx unwrapped the syringe for the blood test, gripping the side of the chair with her free hand and purposely looking anywhere but her arm as they prepared it for the needle.

“Alright there Katya?”

She kept her eyes screwed shut but nodded, trying not to focus on the queasy feeling in her stomach as the blood left her arm.

“There you go brave girl! All done.” Jinkx smoothed a plaster over the puncture and gave her wrist a squeeze as they went back to their clipboard. “Now regular weigh ins are an important part of your recovery. To start off with, for your medical, physical safety, you will need a daily weigh in. Once your body is in a safer state, then we can talk about easing them back.”

They had Katya step out of her pyjamas and onto the scales; she had never felt more vulnerable than standing in her knickers in the exam room, arms crossed over her bare chest as the nurse observed her numbers. She didn’t cry as they taped and calipered her measurements and filled in the starting boxes on the table in her file. They flipped the clipboard to show her.

“So this is your starting point. Katya, you are dangerously underweight right now. Your blood pressure is borderline, but your body fat percentage is what really concerns me. You’re putting yourself at serious risk for lifelong heart problems or reproductive issues. I’m being very blunt right now, because I need you to understand why you can’t keep doing what you’re doing to your body. We’re here to help you, but you need to be on board. If you don’t prove that you can make significant progress with us, you will be transferred to a more traditional ward for intubation. We will not enable you to be a danger to yourself, or to negatively impact the recovery of those around you. Do you understand?”

Katya felt a guilty twist of pride at the numbers in the table. She avoided Jinkx’ eye contact as she nodded, pulling her pyjamas back on as quickly as she could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So to be clear: I'm purposefully not including numbers; weights/measurements/percentages, because I feel like it's hard to read that and not get competitive.


End file.
